Friday 20 July 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Drunk friend bloody loves you


Happy woman drunk

Reports are emerging that your drunk friend bloody loves you.

The developments have arisen as a result of comments made as the pair of you emerged from cubicles in the toilets at the same time.

On seeing you, your drunk friend immediately went on record with the following statement – “I bloody love you, and I mean really. I mean, I love all that lot as well, but you I really, really love. Like, it’s like a special connection between you and me, you know? Can you feel that, the connection?”

They immediately sought to clarify their earlier remarks claiming that it “wasn’t love like gay love or anything, because that would be mental, wouldn’t it?”

Getting sidetracked, your drunk friend then briefly imagined what it would be like if you were both actually gay, and gave a reasonably explicit account of a graphic homosexual act between the pair of you before concluding that it would be ‘well weird, wouldn’t? You know, me and you, like that.’

There was then a further clarification that your drunk friend wasn’t homophobic and “bloody loved the gays, like that Jenny in HR,” who, for the record, actually isn’t gay.

An unknown party then purchased crisps for the table, leading your drunk friend to issue a statement detailing their love for crisps, implying that there would be no further information regarding their love for you at this present time.

It remains unknown as to why your drunk friend has straw in their hair and smells overwhelmingly of cream cheese.

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