Tuesday 17 July 2018 by Arabin Patson

Jacob Rees-Mogg given right of Prima Nocta in attempt to stave off Brexiter rebellion


Jacob Rees-Mogg

Theresa May has seen off a potential leadership challenge by accepting an ERG amendment to the latest Brexit Bill and awarding their leader, Jacob Rees-Mogg, the ancient medieval right to first bed any newlywed maiden in Somerset.

Leavers have hailed this as a victory and a necessary move to ensure the result of the 2016 referendum was respected, as explained staunch brexiter and Tory MP Sir Simon Despenser-Williams.

He said, “The people sent the elites a clear message in 2016. We want to completely cut ties with the EU and ensure no one in Somerset gets deflowered by a commoner.

“We are a strong proud nation and will not be subservient to anyone without a castle. Today was a necessary measure to ensure we don’t re-enter the EU through the back door and that the natural pecking order is restored. Think of the joy that a tradesmen will feel knowing that we are free of the yoke of Brussels and that his child might have the blood of aristocrats in its veins.”

Downing Street denied that this amendment showed how weak Theresa May was. Speaking anonymously, a Number 10 insider explained that the Prime Minister had made only small concessions to the hard Brexiteer faction of her party.

They went on, “The Conservative Party is a big tent and we have to factor in all views. And you should have seen what they wanted at the outset. Bringing back the Corn Laws, blocking the Channel Tunnel and banning the working class from owning horses. We got off light. Besides, barely anyone who gets married nowadays is a virgin.

“Even in Somerset.”

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