Thursday 12 July 2018 by EssBee

People briefly interested in football relieved that they can go back to moaning about it again


unhappy england fans

New football experts, who are already looking forward to another brief flirtation with the game in 2022, have today declared their relief at once again being able to tell their partners to ‘turn that crap off’ and stop pretending to understand the offside rule.

Whilst seasoned fans appreciated the efforts that a young team and new manager were putting in, and that their performances were an invaluable experience for the future, the new fans were having none of it.

“We downloaded the Coming Home song and bought more than seven pounds worth of flags and tat,” said one, whilst another, who had already arranged an England world cup final party, bemoaned the fact that he only had one Croatian friend.

Simon Williams of Scunthorpe told us, “It’s so disappointing that the lads messed it up, they should definitely have won it, I mean how hard can it be? They’d already beaten Tunisia. I’ve been there on my holidays and they all looked like excellent footballers, so that was a brilliant result.

“What am I now supposed to do with three meat feasts and a pepperoni? It’s alright for the players, on their ridiculous salaries, but they weren’t thinking of the little people and their wasted pizza when they did the losing, were they?”

Whilst the new fans carried the social media circus to its unrealistic crescendo, the more experienced ones, who didn’t throw their pints away every time England got the ball, were more reserved.

Harry Johnson, a Leeds supporter since 1964, told us, “I’m pleased that the lads have had the experience of a big tournament and that they’ll learn from it.

“But the most important thing in my eyes is that new fans pile as much pressure on them as we can, burden them with unrealistic expectations and see how anxious we can make them for the next one.

“History has taught is that it’s the only way to success.”

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