Thursday 12 July 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Donald Trump coming to lift English spirits


TRump visit

England has just crashed out of the World Cup and now here comes Donald Trump.

The heroic England team lost to Croatia following a goal in extra time, pushing the whole nation into a pit of abject misery.

“Don’t you worry, folks,” beamed the President of the United States.

“I’m on my way, and I’m positively teeming with gags about your soccer team and how they’re a bunch of losers.

“I’ve also got some zingers lined up about your food, your crappy government, and how having a queen is stupid. It’s going to be a great visit, folks, it really is. You’ll have forgotten all about that World Mug stuff by the time I’m gone, believe me.”

Englishman, Jay Cooper, said “Yayyyyyy.

“Just when I thought nothing could possibly lift me out of this post-sports funk, here comes a fat cheeto to make it all better.

“Honestly, the only way he’s going to cheer me up is if he falls down the stairs on the way out of his plane, which would still leave him with better footwork than Raheem Sterling.”

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