Tuesday 10 July 2018 by Alex Webster

Politicians left sinking ship long before we did, insist rats


Rats left sinking ship

Rats have been left outraged by politicians abandoning ship immediately after steering it into difficult waters.

Bilge rodent Simon Williams told reporters yesterday, “Everyone said the ship was heading for dangerous and uncharted waters, but I just dismissed it as fear-mongering from the ship’s elite.

“I was much more concerned about the number of rats we were taking on from foreign ports, and the unelected faceless europirates that were allowing it to happen.

“In any case, when we saw the ship heading into the rocks we looked to our inspirational leaders to provide us with an independent, forward-thinking course of action which would make this vessel great again.

“It was about that time we saw Nigel, David and Boris disappearing over the horizon in the only lifeboat.

“They were in it so quickly, it’s almost as if they had this backup plan from the very beginning. One of them shouted lifeboat and they downed tools and leapt overboard in the blink of an eye.”

Officer of the watch Master Corbyn commented, “Nigel said something about getting his life back, or it might have been ‘life jacket’, I’m not sure.

“Dave’s final request before disappearing over the side was that we erase all his entries from the ship’s log and wipe his fingerprints off the wheel.

“Boris said ‘gosh’ and ‘cripes’ interspersed with a lot of Latin, then said he was heading for Davy Cameron’s Locker, or as it will soon be known, the ‘shadow cabinet’.

“We’re not getting all those extra doubloons for our health service, then?”

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