Monday 9 July 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Theresa May yells “BASTARDS!” into empty cabinet room


Theresa May, Brexit, Boris, Davis

Theresa May is alone.

The Prime Minister’s key cabinet members are dropping like trousers at an actually-good orgy and we expect there will be none left by the time we’re done writing this sen- ah yes, there goes Boris.

“FUCKERS!” confirmed the Prime Minister, hurling an empty whisky bottle at the wall, which didn’t actually shatter, it just kind of bonked off the surface and landed intact on the carpet because the poor woman is that ineffective.

“You know what, fine. I’ll do Brexit on my OWN. Get me some crayons!” demanded the Prime Minister, although God knows who she was talking to as her own secretary just resigned too.

“I’m a bit worried about her,” said a nearby cleaner.

“Not for her health, obviously, but she’s going to make a moderate to bad mess in there by herself and it’s just me today – the rest of the cleaning staff have resigned.”

Slumping on the oak table, Mrs May said, “I just wanted to get everything right and march the UK out of the EU and into economic and social oblivion.

“Where did I go WRONG?!”

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