Wednesday 4 July 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Middle-aged men in cargo shorts and white trainers urged to keep their f**king tops on


tople man in grass

As the current heatwave shows no sign of abating, the government has issued a plea to middle-aged men in cargo shorts and white trainers to, for the love of God, keep their f**king tops on.

Reports of nausea and shock have been reported across the country in the wake of instances of middle-aged men in cargo shorts and white trainers removing their f**king tops and exposing their sunburnt, hairless bellies to innocent bystanders.

“Christ, it was awful,” said Eleanor Gay, still traumatised after witnessing a group of several men in cargo shorts and white trainers with no f**king tops on.

“They just came out of the precinct and were right in front of me. There was no warning. No time to prepare. They were just there. Just this sea of pink hairless bellies.”

“I just projectile-vomited everywhere, immediately. I felt ever so sorry for the old lady who was standing next to me, but what could I do?”

Simon Williams, a Professor in Horrible Things at Oxford University explained that it was a mystery why middle-aged men in cargo shorts and white trainers took their f**king tops off.

“No one understands why,” he said.

“There is an innate compulsion amongst these middle-aged men to expose their bodies. One can only assume that they hate other people and this is their method of showing their contempt.”

Whilst the increased instances of middle-aged men in cargo shorts and white trainers taking their f**king tops off is troubling, the real concern is that peacocking old men with skin like a leather sofa will start appearing in parks wearing nothing but speedos.

At which point, everyone will be advised to stay indoors with the curtains closed.

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