Wednesday 4 July 2018 by Lucas Wilde

‘Is it me or is Gareth Southgate getting progressively more sexy?’ enquires everybody


Southgate sexy England penalties

Gareth Southgate is definitely looking sexier and sexier.

The England manager first took up his post to a barrage of scoffs, guffaws and “ugh” noises but has since proven himself to be a competent, inspiring leader.

“There was a point in the second half when he went defensive by bringing on Eric Dier, and then we conceded in the 94th minute and I was pretty sure at that point that Southgate was just another dumb-ass gonzo preventing England from gaining its footballing birthright,” said a bemused Simon Williams, die-hard England football team follower.

“And now I think I fancy him.

“Previously, he was just a bloke. But stone me…he cuts such a fine figure in that elegant waistcoat and tie combo, and the way he smoulders when he’s thinking through second-half defensive strategy…it…it makes me feel all warm inside.

“Look at him tugging at his cuffs like he’s James Bond or something.

“Is #GayForSouthgate a trend or a thing yet? Because it’s going to be a thing. Definitely”

Aristocrat, Elizabeth King, said, “A combination of professional success and a peachy arse in a tight-fitting pair of suit trousers would swing anybody, I don’t blame Simon.

“I no longer even care that his nose looks like it’s been broken in 37 different places by various blunt instruments. I just want him well-scrubbed and sent to my room.”

A group of England fans have already coined the chant:

“We’ll shag you ,Southgate, we will!
We’ll shag you, Southgate, we will!
We’ll shag you, Southgate, we will!
Ohhhh, Southgate, we’ll shag you!”

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