Tuesday 3 July 2018 by Daniel Hopkins

Neymar mistakes hand dryer for deadly tornado


Neymar on the floor

Brazilian superstar Neymar found himself caught in a disaster of epic proportions yesterday, after accidentally using a hand dryer at his hotel.

According to Neymar’s representatives, the forward is ‘lucky to be alive’ after the hand dryer caught the PSG forward by surprise with its tornado-like power which threw him to the ceiling, where he remained pinned for several seconds.

Once the current changed, he was flung around the room, reportedly suffering severe injuries to all parts of his person each time he hit a different surface.

Despite Neymar’s exaggerated pleading, the hand-dryer continued its pre-programmed cycle for it’s entire duration, seemingly oblivious to the forward’s suffering – like some sort of terminator machine.

The incident only ended when a passing 80-year-old cleaner walked in and saw Neymar rolling around on the floor.

She saved the Brazilian superstar by proceeding to turn off the hand dryer, at which point Neymar frantically pleaded for the Video Assistant Referee to review the footage of the incident insisting it deserved at least a booking.

A source close to Neymar said, “The man could have died. This could have been a global tragedy, and you people need to take proper care of our cash cow.

“It wasn’t a hand dryer, clearly, but probably some sort of satanic, wind machine. Or even a secret weapon developed by the CIA to incapacitate football geniuses from South America.

A spokesman for the hotel said that they have decided to remove the 300 watt, 20-year-old dryer from the men’s room as a precaution.

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