Monday 2 July 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Theresa May whistles cheerfully while pouring petrol all over her office


Theresa May pouring petrol on office

Theresa May was in good spirits this morning while preparing to burn down her office.

Following the usual levels of undeniably childish bullshit from her cabinet last week, the prospect of spending any more time smiling sweetly at them in an attempt to keep her job finally proved too much for the Prime Minister.

“HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!” confirmed Mrs May.

“I’ll burn my office down and any parliamentary rooms surrounding it. That’ll show them,” she added, dousing a bookshelf full of parliamentary procedural texts in gasoline.

“I wanted to burn down Gove’s office – preferably with him inside – but he’s changed the locks. He’s smarter than he looks, but he looks like a perpetually-shocked dipshit, so that’s not difficult.

“This Friday at Chequers should go down a lot more easily for me once they’ve found out I’m the kind of person ready and able to commit acts of arson on government property.

“The minute Boris starts acting up, I’ll just fix him with a stare and flick on a cigarette lighter. Then watch him shit himself like the toddler he so clearly is.”

The Prime Minister’s secretary said, “Not bothered, I’ll probably get to go home early. I’ll lend her the matches.”

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