Monday 2 July 2018 by Chris Ballard

‘F*cking football’ says tennis


Tennis

Tennis is bloody annoyed at all this football nonsense taking up people’s time and filling up the TV schedules.

“Why the actual FUCK is the Beeb putting afternoon football on BBC 1 when the tennis is slumming it on BBC 2?” asked an indignant tennis.

“Football is just so artless – a ball gets whacked into a net and that gets REWARDED?! It’s like a child’s game.

“And instead of nice crisp white outfits, all the kicking men wear multicoloured abominations like a bunch of fucking clowns.

“Then there’s all that filthy behaviour – spitting on the ground and suchlike. A true gentleman would blow their nose into a towel and hand it to a child.

“Wimbledon normally dominates the national sporting conversation in early July but every four years it becomes a quaint little afterthought – a jolly strawberries and cream diversion in between the serious business of footing the pass and crying because your team went out on spot the ball kicks.

“This will not do! I refuse to be sloppy seconds in the affections of the average sports fan!”

Tennis went on to complain about how the diminished stature of tennis could be seen in parks all over the country.

“Empty crisp wrappers blow across abandoned, desolate tennis courts; untended nets sag in the middle like Marvel movies.

“Meanwhile, little boys and girls use their jumpers for goalposts and pretend to be that Citizen Kane or Ronald McDonaldo.

“It makes me want to puke all over my pristine tennis shoes.”

Average person Simon Williams said, “I’m not that into any sport to be honest. I’ll tune in for England matches or the Wimbledon final or whatever, but I mainly just watch Netflix.”

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