Friday 29 June 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Wayne Rooney moves to America to die


Wayne Rooney moves to MLS

Wayne Rooney will see out his last days in the USA.

Having had a successful footballing career in the UK along with an impressive run of shagging pensioners and prostitutes, the Shrek-faced wonder will now play in America’s MLS League team, DC United, until he finally keels over and pegs it.

“Football is all he knows,” confirmed Rooney’s agent, Simon Williams.

“He’s not very good anymore so we are essentially sending him to the same retirement home that we sent David Beckham and Steven Gerard, where he will live out his days until his heart stops beating.

“Wayne is looking forward to the ‘challenge’ of taking on teams of players who have grown up playing football with their hands and are only in the game because the NFL wouldn’t take them.

“Between that and the fresh audience of older women that we have lined up for him, it’s going to be a nice, gentle jog into the grave.”

Rooney also added something, but it was unintelligible. Probably something about chips.

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