Friday 29 June 2018 by Neil Tollfree

England players criticised for talking to Belgian players rather than stabbing them in the face


Alan Shearer unhappy about Belgium chatting

Following England’s 1-0 loss to Belgium last night, players have been criticised for openly chatting with their Belgian colleagues rather than seizing the opportunity to brutally stab them in the face leaving them with horrendous facial injuries and possible blindness.

Pundit Alan Shearer was particularly scathing in his criticism.

“I think it’s a f**king disgrace,” he said, using the Geordie accent he’s become comfortable with.

“In my day, if you came that close to an opposing player, particularly if he was a garlic-eating euro-bastard, then you were expected to grab whatever implement close by – pen, machete, medieval pike – and stab him viciously in the face.

“You took every opportunity to gain the advantage in a match.”

Captain Harry Kane came in for particular wrath from Shearer for chatting with Belgian players who are also his teammates at Spurs.

“What a c**t,” he said, despairingly.

Paradoxically, losing to Belgium due to the fraternisation between players could prove advantageous with England now placed on the ‘easier’ side of the draw and facing such potential opponents as Rotherham United, some eleven-year-olds down the park, and an old lady called Beryl.

Belgium, however, must go on to face the likes of the Dutch 1970 World Cup squad, some tigers, and the full might of the American armed forces.

England will play Columbia in the next round, and Shearer, like all English football fans, expects an improvement.

“Frankly, if Jamie Vardy doesn’t come on with a gun down his shorts and shoot James Rodriguez in the head, then it’s just same old England.”

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