Thursday 28 June 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Government declares national emergency after millions die laughing at Germany World Cup exit


Theresa May nation dies laughing

Theresa May has declared a national crisis after millions of English people died laughing following Germany’s loss to South Korea and subsequent exit from the World Cup.

“Many English beings died yesterday afternoon, following an activity that humans enjoy called ‘watching the football,’” said Mrs May as she adjusted her face into a position that she thought best-resembled the human emotion of sadness.

“This will be a huge crisis for the country and my Government will now spend two years squabbling about it before failing to come up with any coherent policy to deal with the situation.”

The stories of personal tragedy were countless.

“It was awful,” said Simone Williams, a twig-straightener from Cleethorpes, who was watching the match with husband Simon.

“When that second goal went in with the goalie off wandering about and that, Si started laughing. Well, we both did. It was hilarious.

“But then, Si started laughing more and more and then he just died laughing. Just like that. Right there.

“I mean, he was my soulmate and I loved him so much and now he’s gone.

“Still though, Germany are out, so it’s not all bad.”

Initially, following the first goal and subsequent VAR decision, it looked like a boon for English industry, in particular, upholstery cleaners, as millions of people pissed themselves laughing, causing terrible damage to their sofas.

The crisis is expected to hit all aspects of British life, but currently, the most pressing concern is who exactly is going to drive all those cars with little St George’s flags around English towns honking their horns when England go on to win the World Cup in a few weeks.

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