Wednesday 27 June 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Britons wake up absolutely drenched in sweat


Man sweating in hot weather

Everybody in the UK was absolutely pissing sweat in their sleep last night.

With the country in the grip of a heatwave, the British are coping about as well as they typically would with any extreme of temperature; i.e. not at all.

“I rolled over to say ‘good morning’ to my wife this morning and it was like two waterfalls having a cuddle,” confirmed UK resident, Simon Williams.

“I’ve not sweated this much since she caught me looking at her sister’s bikini photos on Facebook.

“I keep saying we should get the big fan out but oh no, it’s too noisy and she needs silence. Yet when I make a similar point during the football she doesn’t stop talking.”

Another English person, Jay Cooper, said, “I thought someone had poured a bucket of water on me as a joke.

“But then I remembered I’ve lived alone for the last fifteen years and such high jinx belong firmly back in my university days when I had friends.

“So, yeah. It’s bloody hot.”

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