Thursday 21 June 2018 by Chris Ballard

Gareth Southgate to celebrate England goals by windmilling his cock after dislocated shoulder


Gareth Southgate goal celebrations

After somehow managing to dislocate his shoulder while out running, the England manager will now just have to wave his penis around if his team scores another goal.

It’s not the first time the accident-prone Southgate has severely injured himself doing something fairly innocuous.

Three years ago he broke a leg while making a sandwich and back in the nineties he actually contrived to fracture his skull by unblocking a toilet.

Given that painful injuries are pretty routine for him, the England boss is not going to let a dislocated shoulder get in the way of a euphoric goal celebration.

“Yeah, I’ll just windmill my knob,” he explained.

“It’s a perfectly normal practice, though it does seem to have fallen out of fashion of late. But everyone used to do it to impress the girls when I was a lad. In fact, it’s how I met my wife.”

FIFA officials are concerned that this act of ‘windmilling’ – which involves swinging the exposed penis around in a circle and which Southgate insists is definitely a thing – will catch on among supporters.

“We don’t really want ‘Mexican windmills’ going around the stadium,” said a FIFA spokesman. “The family-friendly image we try to promote is not going to be helped by thousands of choreographed whirling pricks.”

Is Southgate’s wife concerned about her husband exposing himself?

“I know what you’re doing,” she said. “You want me to say that I’m not worried because no one will notice his small willy. Or that it won’t be an issue because England won’t score any more goals.

“But actually the truth is that his penis is devastatingly average.

“Just like the England team.”

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