Monday 18 June 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Football hooligan frantically Googling for Tunisian takeaway to smash up later


England Hooligan

An English football hooligan is worried he won’t be able to express his inexplicable rage after the football this evening.

Simon Williams, 34, likes to express his love of both his country and the beautiful game by hurling street furniture through the windows of small local businesses selling produce from whichever country has irked him, sportswise.

“Basically if they beat us or, in the case of a shit team like Tunisia, if we only win by less than three goals then yeah, they’re getting a bin lobbed at them,” confirmed Williams.

“Thing is though, I live in Dagenham, and there seem to be very few Tunisian-themed businesses around here.

“I don’t even know what the negative stereotypes of Tunisia are, so God knows what I’m going to yell at them while I vandalise their property.

“See, there’s one place here that does ‘North African’ food, but that’s like five or six countries. I don’t want to inadvertently tar the Algerians with the same brush. I’m not an unreasonable hooligan.”

Simon’s wife said, “I hope he does find somewhere to go and do some damage. It will give me time to pack a small suitcase and run away.”

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