Friday 15 June 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Relief as McDonald’s ditch plastic straws but keep plastic cheese


Mcdonald's plastic cheese

McDonald’s will be ditching their harmful plastic but keeping the tasty plastic.

Following a trend of complaints from hippy beardy lefty types, McDonald’s has agreed to stop including plastic straws in their meals. However, they will retain the simultaneously dreadful and wonderful plastic cheese that melts on top of their burgers.

“Thank God,” said McDonald’s customer, Simon Williams, taking the top off his quarter pounder and licking the cheese in symbolic thankfulness.

“The straws thing is good, I’m all up for saving the environment- except for wasps. Those bastards can do one.

“But the minute they come for my plastic cheese is the minute I hurl myself into the canal.

“Everybody needs something to live for. My thing happens to be processed cheese. If that’s wrong, then I don’t want to be right.”

Head of McDonald’s Environmental Policy, Jay Cooper, said, “I’ve left the car running, so let’s keep this interview relatively short.

“Yes we’re delighted to be transferring to paper straws, but we know how much our customers love processed unhealthy shit. So we’re keeping the plastic cheese so that everybody is happy.

“Apart from the vegans, obviously. But they’re never happy.”

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