Monday 11 June 2018 by JS Harding

Use a f*cking cloth to wipe up your mess, furious tea towels tell disgusting nation


Dirty teatowel

A furious tea towel has urged ‘for the love of God’ that the nation cease and desist from using him and his kind to mop up their pasta sauce and coffee spills when there are perfectly suited sponges and dishcloths available for precisely that task.

Gary Price, a white and blue check tea towel from Romford, had told how he has been ‘to hell and back,’ since being bought by the Parker family from Asda only a couple of years previously.

“I was such a buoyant, bubbly young towel,” said Price.

“Absolutely raring to go and help a young family dry up properly and reduce the risk of watermarks and streaking appear on their crockery and cutlery.

“And I wasn’t totally wet behind the ears; the other tea towels and I had spent many a night after hours at Asda telling fables about how the early tea towels were used to soak up spilt mead.

“I could cope with that. But when I joined the others in my new home’s tea towel drawer… Well, I’d never seen such a desolate array of mistreated, horribly stained brethren.

“There was Bill, a once white towel, with cute little pictures of oranges across him, who just wanted to help with the drying up.

“But now he’s just a crinkled map of red wine, lasagne and milk stains… All because these glutinous, lazy twats would rather ruin his magnificent linen pelt than use a dishcloth and wring it out a few times.

“And the longer I live, the more it seems that this is a land of clumsy halfwit with no compassion for their tea towels.

“Wankers.”

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