Friday 8 June 2018 by Chris Ballard

Unfit man bitterly regrets walking up escalator


Escalator

A man who attempted to speed up his journey by walking up an escalator is now on the floor, out of breath and full of regret.

After paramedics had finished dealing with him, Simon Williams related his sorry tale.

“What the hell was I thinking?” he wheezed.

“I was running slightly late and also had the notion that if I walked up then I’d burn off enough calories to earn myself a Mars Duo.

“So off I set on the left side of the escalator with all the other adrenaline junkies. The first few steps were fine. I was covering so much ground with so little effort; it felt like walking on the moon!

“Then my calves seemed to burst into flames and my heart started repeatedly playing the drum break from ‘In the Air Tonight.’

“I looked up and the top seemed further away than when I started.

“I couldn’t get out of the fast lane because every space on the right was occupied. I wasn’t even able to slow down because there were leaner, fitter commuters breathing down my neck – it was like that Spielberg film where the guy is forced to drive dangerously fast cos there’s a psycho truck up his arse.”

An eyewitness described the moment Simon finally reached the top.

“Do you know when you see footage of the London marathon finish line: red-faced, sweaty individuals staggering from side to side before falling over the line and vomiting at the side of the road?

“Well, it was like that but with all of the body horror and none of the euphoria.”

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