Friday 8 June 2018

Foreign Office officials explain to Boris that Irish border issue isn’t ‘small’, it’s just very far away


Boris on the Irish border

Foreign secretary Boris Johnson has spent the morning with officials learning the difference between something being very small, and simply being a long way away.

After he was recorded telling people at a dinner than the Brexit Irish border issue was “so small”, government officials have been working all day to explain the concept of perspective.

A source told us, “It’s been challenging, yes. Boris, like any good child, is immediately consumed by whatever is in front of him. If it’s in the distance, he has no care for it, nor any perception of its significance.

“Because the Irish border is several hundred miles from his office, his perception is that it’s tiny and no-one really uses it.

“We showed him photos of it, but he didn’t really get it until we printed them on a couple of big A0 sheets and hung them on the wall in front of him.”

Our source then explained that by using things on the foreign secretary’s desk, they were able to illustrate the concept of things that are genuinely small, versus those that are merely very far away.

They went on,”We used a pencil sharpener to represent ‘the chances of a successful Brexit’ in order explain how some things are legitimately very small indeed, and the A0 photos of the Irish border to show how some things are just very far away.

“After a couple of hours going backwards and forwards, he finally got it.

“At least, we thought he’d got it, until he called David Davis and told him that to fix Brexit he just needed to order a giant pencil sharpener.”

Brexit means Clusterf*ck – get the t-shirt here!

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