Tuesday 5 June 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Incomprehensible robotic voice apologising for dismal train service makes everything better, confirm Rail passengers


Trains were delayed

Rail passengers have confirmed that the implementation of an incomprehensible robotic voice on trains and platforms apologising for delayed, cancelled, and overcrowded services has made the entire situation much better.

The train service has been in disarray across the country following the implementation of a new timetable that bears no resemblance to fact.

Following two weeks of trains operating on an ad-hoc when-we-feel-like-it basis, transport minister and world-class intellect Chris Grayling leapt into action.

“As soon as someone explained for the twelfth time that transport covered trains, I knew I had to act,” said Mr Grayling.

Mr Grayling had an idea that would improve the lives of all train users – an incomprehensible robotic voice apologising for the service.

“The key was to move quickly,” he explained.

“So I got my nephew to explain how to record your voice on a laptop, and I recorded myself saying that we were sorry for any inconvenience.

“I did a robot voice so it would sound really good and technological and futuristic because everything’s futuristic and technological nowadays.

“You can’t really hear it properly because I’m a bit of a duffer with computers but I don’t think anyone really minds that.”

Passengers have confirmed that it’s changed everything.

“Yeah, brilliant, wonderful,” said Simon Williams, a commuter who’s forgotten what his children look like.

“That definitely makes up for waiting three hours for a dangerously overcrowded service that doesn’t stop where it says it will.”

Mr Grayling promised that his efforts won’t stop there.

“Yes, that’s right,” he said.

“I’m thinking about recording another message saying that we’re really sorry for the inconvenience.

“That should sort everything out.”

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