Wednesday 30 May 2018 by HappyToast

Breakfast cereal boxes must look dull and boring, insist MPs


plain cereal packaging

MPs have called for all breakfast cereal to be sold in plain brown packaging in further steps to stop it appealing to the children it is specifically designed for.

Previous calls to remove Tony the Tiger and the Coco Pops monkey from cereal boxes didn’t go far enough, a political think tank has claimed, after flimsy research suggested that kids were only eating the sugary cereal because of the eye-catching characters which feature on the box.

As the obesity epidemic sweeps the UK, MPs are desperate to find an easy figure to blame, and the friendly, familiar faces on chocolate and cereal products like the Milky Bar kid and Honey Monster have been identified as easy scapegoats, what with their being entirely fictional and therefore unable to complain about it.

The new boxes will be completely brown with only the product name and box size on the cover in a uniform and depressing font, reminiscent of a dystopian hollywood blockbuster depicting the grim future of humanity. Bewildering health warnings and statistics will be printed on the side.

A government spokesperson explained, “This removal of all identity and enjoyment has been a complete success with cigarette packaging – now that nobody smokes any more –  so we feel it can only be a good thing to deter people from eating too much of the foods which are bad for them, and also remove any sense of joy they previously had in their mornings.”

Calls to only sell cereal boxes over the counter from the same shuttered off section as cigarettes have been rejected, but give them time.

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