Monday 28 May 2018 by Gary Stanton

Scale a tall building and rescue a small child to get citizenship, migrants told


emmanuel macron

EU citizenship will be granted to migrants who prove their worth in some death-defying stunt, it has emerged.

Malian migrant, Mamoudou Gassama, took just seconds to become a French citizen after scaling a Paris balcony to rescue an idiot child, because they’re athletic like that aren’t they?

Theresa May now plans to introduce similar tests for UK-based migrants who have not yet been deported, which could range from wrestling a crocodile in a primary school to surviving five years or more in social housing.

French President Macron said, “With this act of courage, Monsieur Gassama has demonstrated his patriotic values more than a bunch of swarthy fuckeurs (sic) setting fire to tyres in an asylum centre.

“This heroic deed is an example to all migrants who simplistically think that not being a terrorist or even helping an old lady across the road will somehow cut the mustard.”

However, cynical bastard Gassama later admitted that he’d had his eye on French citizenship the whole time.

“In a country where more than a third of the population votes for a blond fascist, it’s not enough to just fill out some forms and wait for your application to be processed.

“Those Parisian balconies are very high and I figured that if I hung around for long enough, it would only be a matter of time before some immature twat got himself into difficulties.”

He added, “For my next heroic act, I plan to master over five hundred irregular French verbs, but you will need to be patient.

“It’s not like I have special powers or anything.”

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