Friday 25 May 2018 by EssBee

Irish women voting to have as much control over their bodies as they do over their emails


Woman Ireland abortion referendum

On the day that new laws come into force ensuring that women in Ireland will have full control over their mailbox, the nation is voting on whether this should be extended to include full control over their uterus.

The result of the ballot is expected to be known sometime tomorrow, with those against abortion claiming that if you’ve carelessly opened your inbox, then whatever is in there is your responsibility, with supporters of abortion claiming that unwanted babies are nothing but ‘spam in a pram’.

Father Simon Williams, who is pro-abortion ‘in the right circumstances’, told us today, “We need to have a balanced view. When the mother’s life is at risk, the pregnancy is a result of incest or rape, or the mother is a feckin’ idiot, then I am all for it.

“In other circumstances, we need to put the life of the child first, unless it turns out to be a feckin’ idiot itself, then I’d extend the abortion limits from 12 weeks to about 15 years.

“To be honest with you, I have got loads of friends that would have been better off being aborted, not that I’d tell them, like. Half the bloody Parish in fact.”

Twenty-one year old Mary Riley, who has just graduated with a first-class honours degree in physics and is tipped to be a leading scientist in her field, told us today that she was looking forward to hearing the result of the vote.

She said, “Obviously, if we can have abortions, then happy days, it’ll be knickers off and ‘no invitation needed’, if you know what I mean.

“You see, that’s how it works with young women, it’s all our own fault and, given the opportunity of abortions, we’ll just be out there getting banged at every possible opportunity.”

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