Thursday 24 May 2018 by Pete Redfern

Man who can’t grow a proper beard to seek counselling


Man who can't grow a beard to seek counselling

A fully grown male is clutching at straws in an attempt to overcome the crippling feeling of inadequacy that not being able to grow a beard has brought him.

After years of being ridiculed, Simon Williams, 30, has decided to take up the valuable time of a counsellor, who could be actually helping other clients, to discuss how looking fifteen has negatively affected his self-esteem.

“Enough is enough,” he told us, his shiny, hairless cheeks glowing in the morning sunlight.

“I have a wife, two kids and a mortgage but I keep getting ID’d in the pub and it’s a bit humiliating.

“And a cold caller knocked at the door the other day and asked me if my parents were home. That wouldn’t have happened if I had a glorious Brian Blessed style beard, no way.”

Counsellor Eleanor Gay confirmed, “Simon is your typical baby-face, the poor bastard.

“Obviously I have other clients, with *real* issues, who are more deserving of my time, but he’s paying me so I can’t complain.

“I think I’ll just remind him that Noel Edmunds and Osama Bin Laden had beards.

“That’ll make him feel better.”

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