Tuesday 22 May 2018 by Arabin Patson

Price of mildly spicy chicken only thing stopping youth from joining our party, claim Tories


Nandos

The Conservative Party has lambasted the popular restaurant chain Nando’s for undermining their key strategy of using discounted peri-peri chicken legs to rejuvenate the party’s youth wing and assure the future of the movement.

Simon Williams, the 42-year-old leader of the Young Conservatives, said that Nando’s refusal to offer his members a discount was a blatantly political move designed to scupper his party’s conquest of the youth vote.

He explained, “We all know the young love our policies. After all, we’ve given them the life lessons that Generation Snowflake badly needed.

“We’ve also freed them from ever having the burden of paying a mortgage. So they can spend their money on smartphones or snazzy clothes.

“Our strategists assured us that we needed something to rival Corbyn’s free bus travel and free university. And as their grandchildren always want to go to Nandos when they visit, that was the natural step.”

Mr Williams explained that the party had approached Nando’s but the brand refused on the basis they wanted to stay apolitical and that an association with the Conservative Party was “marketing suicide to anyone whose customers don’t use elasticated waistbands”.

He went on, “So now our brilliant plan has been stymied by the left-leaning tendencies of some immigrant chicken shop. I bet they’re the sort of people who call us gammon merchants on Twitter.”

The bad news comes on the heels of an internal party report that warned of the demographic crisis facing the Tories.

The report famously explained that party numbers could be halved by “one unseasonal cold snap or a nip-slip from Rachel Riley”.

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