Tuesday 22 May 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Neighbour sees no reason to get his f*cking car alarm fixed


man can't sleep due to neighbour's car alarm

Your neighbour’s car alarm will continue to go off at random intervals all through the night, according to reports today.

Simon Williams, 41, owns a 2001 Mercedes E-Class with a particularly loud alarm that can wake up babies, dogs and any knackered adults due to go to work in the morning within a 100ft radius.

“I think it brings a bit of character to the street,” beamed Williams, stroking the hood of his faulty car.

“It’s saying ‘I am Mercedes, hear me roar’ like an empowered woman in a film produced by men. It has a personality, and likes to be heard, we should all be supportive of such a classic using its voice like this.

“It’s out there doing what comes naturally, so who am I to tame such a spirited beast?”

However, other residents on the street have been less than enthused at Williams’ plan to let his pride and joy sing freely whenever it chooses.

Simon’s neighbour, Elizabeth King, said, “Either he gets it fixed this week or I’m going to ‘tame’ it with a crowbar to the windows, which, ironically, probably won’t make the alarm go off because the car is a knackered piece of shit that needs to go to the scrapyard.

“Then I’m going to go to work on his kneecaps, and believe me when I tell you that the police won’t touch me –  because the entire street will swear blind they saw Simon fall down some stairs and that his car was hit by a very, very localised hailstorm.”

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