Tuesday 22 May 2018 by Chris Ballard

Germs shock international community by pulling out of ‘five-second rule’ agreement


Germs on the floor

The Department of Health has received a notice from the germ community informing them that they are withdrawing from the five-second deal with immediate effect.

The decision to pull out of a deal that has created stability in the germ/human consumption area for many years has left many observers shocked.

An early casualty was housewife Carol Fletcher told us a story to which many will be able to relate, explaining “My son Alfie threw one of his carrot sticks off his high chair into the cat’s litter tray. It was only in there for a few seconds – four, tops. But he was still violently ill after eating it.

“I don’t see what the germs are hoping to get out of this, but heads need to roll in the government for letting it fall apart like this.”

Bacterium Simon Williams was disappointed that in this day and age, people still believe a five-second window is a realistic timeframe for his community to avoid dropped foodstuffs.

“It’s just crazy – if a piece of cheese lands on our heads I don’t see why we should have to wait five seconds before hopping on and chowing down.

“It’s hard enough being a germ without these terrible deals negotiated by idiot germs in the past. It’s hostile enough with all that bleach and those anti-bacterial surface wipes, and they still want us to ignore stuff on the floor for five whole seconds. Forget about it.”

The British Union of Germs (BUG) has warned that should sanctions be imposed to try and reinstate the five-second rule, then germ special forces – the 1% of known germs that cannot be killed by cleaning products – will be deployed in households across the land.

The public is being advised to exercise extreme caution and not eat anything that’s been on the floor.

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