Monday 21 May 2018 by Arabin Patson

SAS selection trials to include one month in an American High School


SAS High school

Soldiers aspiring to join the elite Special Air Service will now have to spend one month in an American high school to prove their survival credentials.

The assignment will site alongside the usual gruelling tests of skill and stamina of those seeking to earn the coveted tan beret, as statistics prove that being a US student is now more dangerous than being in the US military.

One serving SAS member, known only as Trooper S, explained that the new component was designed to evaluate how a recruit would be able to carry out routine tasks while under the permanent threat of being killed.

He told us, “It’s incredibly hard to simulate the stress of being under constant fear of being shot and to perform humdrum activities while undercover.

“So we are glad we can use US schools to find out who will crack knowing that today some psychotic arsehole might just buy an assault rifle and try and murder them.”

Recruits will receive linguistic training in order to mimic local accents and will be provided with cover identities that include fake Instagram profiles, Spotify playlists and elaborate self-imposed dietary restrictions.

Asked if the SAS feared for the safety of their recruits, Trooper S explained that risk was an inherent part of the job, but they were taking precautions

“All of them will be trained in advanced combat evasion as well as some nifty ways to disarm a gunman using everyday objects. And they, unlike the other students, have actually volunteered for this.

“And no, I have no idea why Americans think this is something children should have to go through.”

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