Friday 18 May 2018

You can keep your thoughts and prayers because you could fix this yourself, God tells America


God not helping with school shootings

God has rejected America’s latest set of thoughts and prayers following the Santa Fe school shooting, telling them he doesn’t grant prayers for things you can easily fix yourself.

As the latest school shooting saw more students gunned down in a place they should feel safe, God has shocked many Texans by flatly rejecting their requests to do something about school shootings.

God told us, “If your injured buddy Gerry wants to walk again, that’s a prayer I’m willing to listen to, and I’ll give it my full consideration.

“If your loved one is going through a hard time, and you want to find a way to help them, that too, is a prayer I’m willing to hear.

“But, if you’re praying to me in the hope I’ll help stop school shootings, then no – I’m not helping. Because that’s a job for your politicians. I’m here for divine intervention, not because America’s political establishment are too dependent on the gun lobby’s money.

“Look, it’s really simple – school shootings are really easy to fix, just get rid of the guns. Easy. You don’t need me. Gerry needs me, and I’m happy to consider helping Gerry – but you folks calling for me to help with school shootings need to write a letter to your congressman and start voting against the people that won’t make changes to your gun laws.

“You don’t need the Lord, you just need to get off your ass and vote smarter.

“As for President Trump’s prayers, well, to be honest, he hardly ever mentions helping anyone but himself. Right now the only prayers I get from him are those asking me to make sure no-one ever finds the proof of his Russian collusion.

“Don’t worry, I’ve no plans to help with that one either.”

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