Tuesday 15 May 2018 by Lucas Wilde

People who hold their f*cking phone to their f*cking ear almost extinct


Man using speaker on mobile phone

Nearly every twat is holding their phones at arm’s length and shouting into it like they’re on The Apprentice or something, according to research this morning.

A recent study shows that people are walking around holding their phones in front of them with the speaker on, or using hands-free kits even though their hands are clearly doing fuck-all else and could be put to good use holding a phone to their ear.

“The traditional, non-moronic style of telephone usage is slowly dying,” confirmed sociologist, Simon Williams who led the study.

“There is a new generation of phone users coming through who would rather hold their phone directly in front of their mouth and put the speaker on so as to annoy everyone within a twenty-foot radius.

“It’s not a communicator from Star Trek, it’s a mobile phone. Unfortunately, this moronic trend has now overtaken the style learned from picking up a household phone and holding it to one’s ear.

“Interestingly, however, even the worst phone owners do seem capable of using it correctly when booking an appointment at the STD clinic, or giving out their card details to a shop.”

Young person, Jay Cooper, said, “Ear cancer, innit.

“That’s why I hold my phone two feet in front of me and yell at it. It’s just safer – well, in terms of phone usage anyway. Other people on the bus punch me sometimes.

“I reckon it’s better to look a bit of a twat than to be all dead from cancer of the ear.”

Simon Williams said, “We’re still debating that.”

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