Friday 11 May 2018 by Arabin Patson

Boris Johnson set to be castrated over the weekend


Boris Johnson

Downing Street has just confirmed that an appointment has been made for Boris Johnson to be neutered as a prolonged attempt to curb his behaviour through remedial training was shown to be a false hope.

Simon Williams, the spokesperson for number 10, explained that the decision to use surgery was not taken lightly and was forced by a return of Boris Johnson’s aggressive and attention seeking antics.

“We always hoped to avoid such drastic measures. Theresa May believes we should accept God’s creatures as they are and she understands how traumatic the procedure will be for Boris. But we have to face facts and admit the obedience training has not been a success.”

Many had hoped that Boris Johnson’s notorious inability to self discipline had been curbed by the hard work of expert tamers at the Foreign Office.

But a recent attempt to dominate the Cabinet has cast a shadow on his progress. Mr Williams gave assurances that Boris would be kept comfortable.

“We’ve set up a lovely room for him. He’ll have copies of the Spectator and some Daily Mail journalists to play with. He’ll even get some chopped steak. If all goes well he’ll be fit and well within two weeks.”

Mr Williams was reluctant to discuss what steps Mrs May would take should the surgery fail.

“If he still keeps running loose and refuses to play nice with then we will deal with that as it happens. Worse comes to worse, the Prime Minister has a friend who owns a big farm in the country. Boris can run free and live out his days happily.

“It’s lovely. There are rabbits!”.

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