Saturday 5 May 2018

Steven Gerrard and new Rangers employers both convinced the other isn’t speaking English


Steven Gerrard Ranger manager

Steven Gerrard has been welcomed by Rangers, though neither party had any idea what the other said.

The former Liverpool and England player has signed a four-year contract with the Ibrox club and will be charged with bringing glory to the club by finishing above Celtic, if he can somehow learn to communicate with the players now under his management.

At a press conference held at the club’s training ground, Gerrard told reporters that he was pleased to be there, though the Scottish press in the room merely stared blankly at him hoping he might repeat himself more slowly, before making something up about him being happy to be there.

Speaking to the English press later in the day, Gerrard said, “I explained to the club that I’d like to play an expansive passing game, and the chairman pointed at his watch and loudly said something like ‘happy birthday to you’.”

“I said ‘half past two’, actually,” explained Chairman Dave King, “I thought he was asking us the time, was that not what he said?

“Look, there is going to be a learning curve here, we all understand that. But we’ve had players from all over the world, so I doubt the language barrier will prove too much trouble once everyone takes a few scouse lessons.”

Gerrard himself explained that he was hoping to take some Scottish language lessons so that he can settle into the area more easily.

“Apparently I have to fry everything that goes into my mouth and get angry at the slightest provocation. Fortunately for me, I’ve got the ‘violently lashing out’ bit down already.”

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