Friday 4 May 2018 by JS Harding

Pregnancies by milkmen ‘at all time low’


milkman babies

Britain’s once mighty workforce of unrelentingly randy milkmen are now accountable for ‘less than 0.5%’ of new pregnancies, a statistical breakdown of modern inception participants has found.

Whilst the 1976 record of 27.2% of British newborns being fathered by milkmen has never been in serious trouble of being bettered, the dwindling numbers of the esteemed dairy deliverers has sunk so low that experts are fearing that lonely housewives will be forced to look elsewhere for their bonus deliveries.

Study lead Professor Simon Williams, of Dunstable University’s Department of Milkonomics and Births, said that he found it ‘somewhat sad’ that in as few as five years, there won’t be a single, very pale yet strong-boned infant out there who is “endlessly taunted by their classmates because their mum shagged the milkman.”

“Some say that the new generation of delivery men – yer Ocados, yer Amazon Primers et al are a potential source of illicit fathering around the nation,” said Prof Williams.

“But they’re all being timed to deliver as quickly as possible, no time for helping out a lonely housewife.

“And where is the romance, I ask. The white, creamy, tell-tale uniform? The stealthy majesty of a milk float, as it sneaks along the road, seeing which housewives are up for an extra pint just as their hubbies are setting off for the office?

“It’s just another tradition that’s dying out because people want to save a few pennies, and buy their milk online.

“Only a Robin Askwith-style bawdy sex comedy can save us from becoming a nation of bastardless youngsters.”

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