Thursday 3 May 2018 by Pete Redfern

Oxford Analytica officially declare victory over longstanding rivals after Cambridge Analytica close


Cambridge Analytica to close

Following the announced closure of Cambridge Analytica yesterday, longstanding and bitter rivals Oxford have declared themselves the victors.

“Well, you could say this settles it once and for all,” beamed Oxford Analytica boss Simon Williams, popping open a bottle of champagne.

“Our bitter rivalry has been seen us fight over the ownership of your personal data for centuries, since back when we used to fight over the harvesting of the personal information of gawping villagers standing around the town crier. It seems so long since we began targeting political campaigns at those simple folk in order to push them in whatever political direction we were paid to.

Williams went on to admit that Cambridge Analytica had done much to highlight their industry recently.

He went on, “Yes, I will admit that Cambridge Analytica has stolen all the glory recently, but I think we can all agree that it looks like the overall victory will go to us.

“The mistake Cambridge made was in letting what they do become publicly recognised – they’re such media whores.

“We’ve been doing it even more covertly, and can confidently promise everyone that we will continue to harvest personal data without their knowledge for many years to come.”

*NewsThump would like to reassure readers that Oxford Analytica sampled a selection of NewsThump subscribers to establish the potential for personal information harvesting from the NewsThump website, but they found the exercise pointless after discovering that everyone sampled was a lefty libtard snowflake incapable of ever changing their political opinion about anything*

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