Wednesday 2 May 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Hatred of Michael Gove only thing keeping Cabinet together


Michael Gove in the corner

The cabinet is currently united on one concept alone: their absolute disdain for Michael Gove.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs/arsehole of a haunted ventriloquist’s dummy has been attempting to make friends in the cabinet ever since he became a member.

“But we all still make him sit in the corner and ‘accidentally’ spit on him while talking as much as possible,” confirmed Simon Williams, Minister for Satire.

“Making him wear the dunce’s hat while throwing bits of stationery in his general direction is about the one thing we can all still bond over.

“Fortunately he also hates himself – hence all the things he’s ever done – so he pretty much invites it.

“One thing I think he even popped a boner after Theresa May had shouted obscenities at him for a full four minutes.

“Here’s hoping he doesn’t get ousted in the coming coup. He is the lecherous glue holding this country together.”

Michael Gove said something but we didn’t bother to write it down.

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