Tuesday 1 May 2018 by Neil Tollfree

Sajid Javid completes satanic blood rite to become Home Secretary


SAjid Javid blood ritual

Sajid Javid last night took part in the traditional satanic blood rite that is the standard requirement for all Conservative holders of the four Great offices of state.

By promising his soul to Satan over the blood of a sacrificed virgin child, he was accepted as Home Secretary.

As is traditional, Mr Javid met with the Prime Minister, the Foreign Secretary, and the Chancellor.

They all enjoyed a nice tea of Findus Crispy Pancakes and chips whilst watching Hollyoaks.

After finishing their tea, they repaired to Number 10’s satanic church in the basement.

They removed their clothes and took up their places on the pentagram that was first used in 1834 by Robert Peel, the first ever Conservative party Prime Minister.

The blood of a freshly slaughtered virgin child was brought forth and Mr Javid promised his soul to Satan and swore to only do evil, as is the ancient Conservative tradition.

“Yes, it all went tremendously well,” confirmed Foreign Secretary and former blood rite participant Boris Johnson.

“I think our Lord Beelzebub has accepted Sajid into his dark and evil grace.”

Mr Johnson went on to explain that there was even a quite amusing moment during the ceremony.

“Yes, Sajid asked for a scythe before we began. He seemed to think that he was expected to slaughter the virgin child himself.

“Theresa said – ‘come now Sajid, I don’t expect my ministers to slaughter virgin children, I’m not Margaret Thatcher’ – and we all had a good laugh about that.”

Mr Javid will begin doing Satan’s bidding later today, when he starts work implementing Conservative party policy.

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