Monday 30 April 2018 by Arabin Patson

Sajid Javid promises continuity of Home Office’s utter bastardry


Sajid Javid, Home Secretary

In an effort to stop Labour capitalizing on Amber Rudd’s resignation, the new Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, has pledged that he will maintain the policy of utter callousness, pointless cruelty, and Kafkaesque treatment of migrants that the British people asked for.

Simon Williams, Mr Javid’s political advisor, convened an emergency press briefing to tell the public that his boss was going to give them exactly the kind of cold-hearted persecution the voters wanted, even though of late, they like to claim otherwise.

“The Conservative Party is a listening party. And we have heard you. Not just the suspiciously loud condemnations of the Windrush scandal but also your darker mutterings when you think you’re alone and those veiled women on the bus scared you.

“Rest assured we will strive to deport badly-needed taxpayers of different nationalities for no better reason than senescent retirees are somehow shocked their high street has changed in the past fifty years.”

Mr Williams assured that Sajid Javid was also a reformer.

He went on, “There will, of course, be some change. Should any of the ethnic groups we prey upon somehow manage to curry favour with the editors of the Mail or the Telegraph, we will immediately demote several officials who were doing exactly as they were told.

“In addition, we will hold year-long inquiries about the predictable results of our policies and pretend to be shocked that a hostile environment creates hostility.

“Just as the great British public will pretend that decades of whining about immigration and voting for red-faced bigots has nothing to do with horrible way migrants are treated in this country.”

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