Monday 30 April 2018 by Jack Shepherd

ASDA Sainsbury’s merger still can’t put together a meal deal that isn’t utterly shit


Sainsbury meal deal

The merger between two of the country’s biggest supermarket chains has left workers baffled that between them they can’t put together a meal deal that doesn’t taste like mediocrity.

Though Sainsbury’s shares have rocketed since the deal was announced, office drones around the country are in dismay that they are still stuck eating the same sad lunches at their desk.

Disgruntled office worker Simon Williams told us, “I work ten hours a day and my lunch break is the only time I get to unwind and eat and try to imagine a life better than the one I currently inhabit.

“You’d think that a £13bn merger could cobble together a sandwich that isn’t 50% lettuce and a packet of crisps that don’t resemble a bag of sawdust.

“It’s actually quite impressive that their cold pasta salads are able to be both so dry and entirely soggy at the same time. That’s quite a skill.”

Sainsbury’s boss Mike Coupe addressed the concerns, saying “we understand that people are complaining about the quality of our meal offers and are wondering if this exciting merger will mean we can expand the offers to our premium sandwich ranges.

“Well let me assure you the answer is a firm ‘No’. We can, but we won’t.”

After merger talks were completed, representatives of both companies celebrated closing the deal over a cajun chicken wrap that was mostly tortilla, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps that were already opened and a bottle of Fanta Fruit Twist that was still lukewarm as some idiot left the fridge door open.

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