Wednesday 25 April 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Landlord ruins pub by making it family friendly


Man in pub with child

A local boozer has ruined everything by welcoming children.

The Badger’s Nose in Guildford had previously been a place for adults to get away from children and to sit in the dark with a pint while gradually slipping into a drunken state of despair.

“That’s my heaven,” confirmed Jay Cooper, a regular at the pub.

“Just me, a pint and the silent screaming in my head. That’s all I ever wanted from this place, and maybe the occasional football match on the telly.

“Then I saw Simon building the climbing frame in the beer garden and putting crayons on all of the tables, so I know exactly where this is going. The way of the Hungry Horse, that’s bloody where.

“It’s getting harder and harder to be where children are not.

“The only place left in town is the strip club and I expect they’ll be starting up a fucking creche any day now.”

Landlord, Simon Williams, said “I’m so sorry, everyone.

“This needs to be done so that we can survive. There just aren’t enough people seeking to drown their sorrows in ale while sitting alone anymore. If I keep going the way I’ve always done things, the pub won’t survive.

“However, there are umpteen families willing to pay over the odds for a cheeseburger that I’ve done in the microwave just for the opportunity to leave the house for a couple of hours.”

Owner of a family, Elizabeth King, said “Oooh, a cheeseburger sounds nice. We will have to go.”

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