Monday 23 April 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Nobody knows what St. George did but would like a Bank Holiday anyway


Man would like bank holiday for st george's day

Britons everywhere are demanding a bank holiday in memory of their patron saint.

Depending on which resources you choose to read and believe, St. George was a soldier in either the third or fourth century and once popped to either Britain or Wales with either Emperor Constantine or Emperor Arcadius before being martyred by either beheading or crucified at the hands of either Dacian or Diocletian for either refusing to recount his Christianity or failing to pay his council tax.

“But he definitely killed a dragon which means we should all go and sit in the pub and get drunk,” confirmed citizen, Simon Williams, who hasn’t actually read anything.

“Good old St. George. I’ve always loved him and all the things he did. Y’know, slaying the dragon…and all of the other great things. That he did.

“It’s a disgrace that Wales get a bank holiday for their guy and Ireland get one for their guy but we don’t get one for ours.

“Eh? What do you mean he was Turkish? Say that again, I’ll knock you spark out. Whoever heard of a Turk named George, you fucking muppet.”

Williams was then left bemused after learning that Jeremy Corbyn has promised to make St George’s Day a bank holiday should Labour win the next election.

He stayed silent for a moment, before telling us, “No, that can’t be right. Because Jeremy Corbyn hates this country, so him saying Labour would do that doesn’t sit well with my preconceived ideas about who he is as a person.

“He can’t hate Britain and want to celebrate St George. My head hurts.”

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