Monday 23 April 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Daily Express wanks itself dry as Princess Diana’s grandson is born on Saint George’s Day


Diana grandson St George's Day

The Daily Express has spuffed all over the place.

Following news that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy on St. George’s day, the collective body of the “newspaper” all came at once.

“Yes, we’re currently knee-deep in semen,” confirmed sports editor, Simon Williams.

“We were bound to be, really: The grandson of the late Princess Diana arriving on St. George’s Day… it hits several of our erogenous zones.

“I feel a bit bad for the cleaning staff; they already have to put up with us being racist to their faces but now they’ll have to chisel our dried spunk from the walls. Oh well.

“It’s great for us, though. We won’t have to use the headline “HOLY FUCK IT’S GOING TO SNOW” for at least three weeks now. We’re on easy street. Just lots of royal bollocks.

“Tomorrow we’re going to do a double-page spread speculating on what Diana might have named the boy. Stay tuned.”

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