Wednesday 18 April 2018 by Gary Stanton

Discarded Morrissey albums ‘a greater environmental catastrophe’ than plastic bottles


morrissey albums

Morrissey records thrown out in disgust by the general public are posing a greater hazard to the marine ecosystem than empty bottles of Fanta, it has emerged.

Following the singer’s latest far-right utterances, albums and CDs are being either flushed down toilets or are tossed frisbee-like from nearby cliff-tops.

The warnings come after a majestic blue whale was found lifeless and adrift off the Azores with Morrissey’s entire back catalogue lodged in its gullet.

One-time Morrissey fan and whale enthusiast, Simon Williams, said, “The sad thing is that the Morrissey I recall would once have championed this sublime creature. These days, however, he’d probably call it a fucking blue bastard.”

Williams maintains that it has become inconceivable to perambulate a canal towpath or similar inland waterway without stumbling upon a Limited Edition Queen is Dead vinyl box set stuffed into a reed bed.

Meanwhile, the world’s oceans are known to be suffering under the sheer burden of Morrissey’s solo output, much of which is contaminated with nascent xenophobic bleatings.

Scientists estimate that if a further one million copies of Vauxhall and I plus associated merchandise are routinely chucked into the Atlantic, global sea levels could rise by up to two millimetres.

Williams went on, “So much Smiths-related black vinyl gets washed up onshore that iconic British geological features like the White Cliffs of Dover have started to turn grey. Somehow, I can’t see Morrissey being happy about that.

“The situation is so much worse down-under and the Great Barrier Reef is not expected to survive another National Front Disco.”

Greenland-based walrus, Peter Singleton, added, “I awoke this morning to discover three of my offspring had choked to death on the same copy of Viva Hate, but I don’t mind because it’s an absolute classic.”

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