Saturday 14 April 2018

Humankind enjoys final nuclear apocalypse-free weekend


man enjoying last nuclear free weekend

The citizens of the world awake are enjoying their final weekend before the entire planet is irradiated forever by a collection of demented war-hungry lunatics who, for some reason, people have seen fit to elect to power.

As inevitable global nuclear armageddon approaches, ordinary folk plan their final days free of devastating radiation poisoning.

“Well, I was going to pop to Boots as I’d ran out of that shampoo I like,” said Simon Williams, a leaf-straightener from Glossop.

“I’ll probably still do that but maybe I’ll buy two or three bottles. You know, to really stock up. I don’t know if you’ll be able to buy nice shampoo in a barren nuclear wasteland.

“Mind you, Tina Turner’s hair always looked quite nice in that Mad Max film, so perhaps I’ll be fine.”

Others considered more hedonistic plans.

“Well, it’s quite nice out, so I’ll probably just spend the weekend sat outside the pub,” said Eleanor Gay, a cabbage-whisperer from Chorley.

“I mean, I don’t normally like going out on a Sunday, what with work the next day, but, I suppose if the planet’s burning in a white-hot nuclear fire, then Mr Rumbold won’t mind if I take the day off sick.

“I’ll book the morning off as a holiday, just to be sure.”

It is expected that the architects of global destruction, Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin, will spend the earth’s final days engaging in whatever complete psychopaths usually do at the weekend – wearing their mother’s underwear and finger-painting with faeces, one would assume.

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