Friday 13 April 2018 by Gary Stanton

Will my local branch of Greggs survive a nuclear war, ask worried Britons


Greggs nuclear attack

With a thermonuclear war between the United States and Russia imminent, Britons have raised concerns about the viability of Greggs in an apocalyptic wasteland.

After Donald Trump warned Russia that the bombs were on their way, UK citizens took to Twitter asking what this would mean for the popular high street pastie vendor.

Experts fear the detonation of a 10 Megaton nuclear device near a major population centre could lead to branches of Greggs experiencing structural problems, with some being forced to close early.

Nuclear expert and pastie fan, Simon Williams, said, “In the event of a sudden nuclear strike by a hostile power, we advise Greggs’ customers to take cover under a nearby table, assuming their bodily dimensions allow them to do so.

“Do not take delicious savoury items such as sausage rolls and cheese slices with you as these may have been contaminated with deadly fall-out.

“It’s also important to remember that any pastry products that have been subjected to a full-scale nuclear onslaught should, under no circumstances, be reheated.

“Customers should remain on what’s left of the premises until the all-clear is sounded or until Sharon kicks everyone out at 5 pm – whichever comes first.”

Meanwhile, Williams insists it’s not all bad news for lovers of the nation’s finest restaurants.

“The subdued lighting in many branches of Greggs should protect diners from the initial blinding flash and the attendant burst of gamma radiation.”

He added, “Evidence suggests that Greggs’ Sausage and Bean Melt can withstand the most devastating explosions mankind is capable of, so if you’re in any doubt, surround yourself with a hundred of these.”

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