Friday 13 April 2018

Drinkers urge scientists to make up their bloody minds


Old man unhappy at news one glass of wine is bad for you now

As new research shows that even one drink a day can reduce life expectancy, drinkers have suggested that maybe scientists should all sit down in a room and make their bloody minds up once and for all.

The research which looked at 600,000 drinkers found that an amount of drinking previously thought of as ‘helpful’ most certainly isn’t.

Drinker Simon William told us, “I get it, I really do – science is complicated. But one minute you’re telling me a glass of red wine with my dinner will help me live longer and have a healthy heart, the next minute you’re telling me my nightly glass of Merlot is actually speeding me towards an early grave.

“It’s my one pleasure in this miserable existence of mine, and I can’t believe you’re trying to take it away from me.

“I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask you all to make your bloody mind up and to stop flip-flopping like a bunch of bloody politicians.

“Why not book a nice hotel in the country and lock yourselves away until you’ve come to a consensus, that way I can stop having a heart attack every time a new headline tells me I’m going to die.”

Health expert Nigel Farage told us, “Oh I stopped listening to doctors a long time ago, they’ve definitely got it wrong on smoking, so they’re certainly going to be wrong about this, too.

“I would imagine this time next week they’ll be saying a nice couple of pints of bitter with your lunch is the way to increase your chances of seeing in one-hundred.

“And if they don’t, well, what do they know, they’re only bloody experts.”

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