Wednesday 11 April 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Met Police suddenly receives £40bn extra funding as London gangs move to financial district


London square mile extra police funding

The Prime Minister has suddenly given a shitload of money to the Met police following reports a rich person may soon get knifed.

Following a surge of violence in areas of the capital populated by insignificant people on low incomes who are probably unlikely to vote Conservative anyway, a whopping 300 “extra” officers were being assigned to those areas.

“I mean, not ‘extra’, obviously, we haven’t pulled them out of our arse. We’ve just moved them from other areas,” confirmed Met Police spokesperson, Simon Williams.

“We’re not saying those people aren’t important, it’s just that they’re not important enough.

“However, we’ve now received intel that some of these gangs are going to start operating in and around Canary Wharf and Bishopsgate, which I’m sure you know is where very important people spend a lot of their time. So, we’ve suddenly received an additional £40bn in funding and been instructed to, and I quote, ‘Spend the absolute shit out of it’ to protect the area and the people in it.

“We’re considering buying rocket launchers, tanks and maybe even building our very own RoboCop.

“I mean we’ll have to have a dead police officer for that to happen the way it does in the films, but I reckon if we send Barry over to Croydon late at night without his stab vest, he’ll be dead in about ten minutes.

“I’m kind of joking, but it is proper lethal over there, so it’s actually really good to see the government so keen to make sure the nicer areas of London don’t turn out that way.”

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