Tuesday 10 April 2018 by Lucas Wilde

Raising a family absolutely NOT “the greatest adventure”, confirms ex-pirate


former pirate tired of family

A former swashbuckling pirate has confirmed that raising children with the woman you love isn’t “the greatest adventure of all”.

Simon Williams is a formerly dashing rogue who sailed the seven seas in search of treasure, fame and fortune while fighting other pirates, crocodiles, the kraken and scurvy.

He has since settled down, having rounded off his career by stating that raising a family with a comely wench would be “the greatest adventure of all”, just before everybody freeze-framed and the credits rolled.

“Well, it turns out that my prediction was an absolute load of old shit,” confirmed Williams.

“I used to have sword-fights with that old rascal, Captain McAllister of the Black Dog, while halfway up the rigging as the sound of cannon fire rattled through my ears.

“Now I scrape up human faeces from the kitchen floor where little Alfie has missed the potty, and what little time I get to sit down is spent watching Paw Patrol on a loop for hours and hours on end.

“It’s not an adventure, it’s just tedious ‘existing’. I can’t even get these kids to sing a shanty properly. Plus I’m somehow really fat now. How did that happen?

“Some of the old lads called last week and invited me out to plunder the wreck of an old British imperial warship and I was itching to go but the wife reminded me I’d promised to mow the lawn, which is a right bastard when one of your hands is actually a hook.”

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