Tuesday 10 April 2018 by Neil Tollfree

All austerity-based catastrophes to be blamed on social media


Theresa May on social media

The government has confirmed that it will be blaming all catastrophes resulting from its programme of austerity on social media.

Following a successful experiment over the weekend, in which a dramatic rise in murder rates due to huge cuts to police officers was successfully blamed on social media, the government will pursue a policy of blaming everything on social media.

“Yes, worked tremendously well, didn’t it,” said a government representative.

“Blaming murders on ‘the rise in social media.’ Whatever that is. Terribly good wheeze.

“I must confess that I thought that when we tried that there would be a lot more people going – ‘hello, you’ve just spent eight years shredding police funding to the extent there are only about nine police officers in South London, blaming social media is ridiculous’ – but it turns out that if you mention Facebook these days everyone gets terribly excited.”

So, government policy will now be to blame the huge rise in homelessness on Twitter, drastic hospital overcrowding on YouTube and the decimation of local services on LinkedIn.

“I mean, it’s patently stupid,” continued the representative.

“But the telly and the papers love laying into social media, so it works out tremendously well for everyone.

“Well, unless you’re sleeping on the street or trying to get into hospital, of course, but you can’t please everyone.”

There were plans to go even further, but sadly they didn’t work out.

“We were thinking of blaming the utter failure to create social housing on MySpace, but that’s just ridiculous,” said the representative.

“I mean, who’s on MySpace anymore.”

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